Before Sunrise and Before Sunset: My Decade in Two Films

The biggest mistake I made this decade happened seven years ago. Now with the decade coming to a close I have been reminiscing about the past, about where things went right, and where things wrong. But I want to connect this with a movie that does a better job portraying some of my emotions better than anything I could write concerning the subject. It concerns mistakes, love lost, fate, destiny, life paths, the coulda’ woulda’ shouldas’ of the world. And it’s not the kind of film that anyone can see, because its so damn heavy on dialogue. But for anyone searching for a deep dive into life and love, there are few better examples than Before Sunset.

Background (for the movie), Before Sunrise was this 1995 indie darling that concerned an American and a French woman that meet while inside a train and engage in friendly conversation. It was the American’s turn to exit the train but didn’t necessarily want the interaction to end. So the cynical but loving Jesse (Ethan Hawke) convinces the carefree feminist spirit Celine (Julie Delpy) to get off the train and spend the right of the day (and night) together touring Vienna. What follows is deep engaging conversations, flirtation, moments of romance, and unexpectedly falling for each other a bit deeper than expected. The rest of the film is spent learning about the two charming leads and trying to figure out if this quick burst of chemistry is maintainable, and if it means something more than just a one-night fling.

But Before Sunrise is not the movie I want to fully discuss.

Background (for me): I met a wonderful, wonderful woman back in 2011 during my days working for Disney (and how I miss them so much sometimes). In a unique opening twist she asked me out to dinner. And even after I had to cancel the first time, she asked me out again. That first night went so well, we went out for Japanese food. It strangely became the first time I was able to hold chopsticks without looking like a clumsy tourist. I was immediately captivated, and it was scary. I tried keeping some distance in the beginning. She had invited me to hang out on New Year’s Eve and I turned her down---even though I was going to the same park as her. I watched the fireworks from Future World at Epcot, while she was out somewhere in the World Showcase.

We didn’t officially state we were dating until the third time we went out but there was a slight catch: she was here in the States temporarily and was going to leave for Brazil in a mere couple months. I told her we shouldn’t worry about the end, just enjoy the time we have together. We made the best of it, went out whenever we could, played lots of sports, enjoyed each other’s company, bought each other gifts, and didn’t ever discuss the finish line.

Mistake is coming soon. Back to the film.

Before Sunset is the sequel to Before Sunrise, and it covers Jesse and Celine’s biggest mistake, and also becomes one of the best films this millennium, and one of the better love stories ever filmed. Within the brisk 90 minutes is a story that’s very unique in concept and execution.

The end of Before Sunrise has them having to say goodbye as Jesse has to leave for the United States the same day. The train is about to leave, and instead of trying to exchange phone numbers and addresses they decided to meet in the same train station six months later. The explanation was that in order to not let this intense chemistry fade with the distance, the waiting, the time zones, and the frustrating yearning, they would just continue their lives and when the time was close, they’d set off to meet and continue where they left off. But of course circumstances would result in them not finding each other until a whopping nine years later. Jesse is now an author on a book tour and Celine is in the field of environmental advocacy.

Much like the original, there is a time limit, as Jesse’s book tour is forcing him to fly away that night. So Before Sunset shines best here: the film runs in realtime, their range conversations from lightweight to intense are supported by this sudden dread of having to say goodbye again; and underneath their catching up on life is the million dollar question: did that night in 1995 mean anything? Is there a shot at reigniting this flame? Is it even responsible considering that one is married and the other is in a relationship and living in different countries still? And as they move around Paris and start emotionally connecting again through love, through pain, through the same fears and frustrations that emerged from that eventful night, the anxiety about that good-bye becomes stronger. Nonetheless they are getting along, always eager to exchange stories, exchange facts, and exchange compliments.

Their mistake was that what they had was beautiful, and they took a gamble and didn’t properly act upon what was clearly happening between them.

Back to me in 2011/2012, my finish line was approaching, and I had not wavered at all towards the plan of enjoying the time, and going our separate ways because the distance would have been too much and I stated that I don’t do long-distance, I just can’t do it. She hadn’t really ever discussed the post-dating plan, so my pride was beginning to believe that this was nothing more than just a small little fling. And as she started going out with her friends more often because her time was running out, I was suddenly growing anxious as what started out as a couple months away turned into three days away. I didn’t prepare properly. I didn’t hunt that maybe there should be more, maybe the story should continue.
Pride was winning, and this was a terrible thing. But it never stung more than her final shift at work.

Here is the mistake that defined my decade.

On her final shift, I had agreed to meet her after she was done with work. I was going to wait at the parking lot instead of the lobby, which was a lot closer to our job. I didn’t want to stand around awkwardly while she gave her good-byes to everyone. We had agreed to go to out with some of her friends much that night as well, but I wanted to hang out before said event, when I knew her attention would be split up among the large group. I waited and I waited. I could have texted her as a reminder, but I didn’t want to appear overbearing. I waited a good hour, and I saw other co-workers leaving. One of them told me she went with a female friend back into the park.

I was hurt, upset, embarrassed. Surely it slipped her mind that she was supposed to see me, since I’m sure emotions were running a million miles an hour and she had so many good-byes to hand out. But at that moment, none of that mattered. Pride won. I was driving home, dejected. I was still in the property when she responded. At a stop light, she had texted me she forgot, she’s sorry, and she’s waiting in line for one of the rides with said friend. She asked me if I could join them. At the stop light my option was to take the loss and go home, or just turn around, head back, and hang out.

Pride won.

I went home.

And that right there was the mistake.

Rest of the night was me in my upset ways, from the drive home to me returning to picking her up from her apartment, to hanging out at Buffalo Wild Wings, to even when she decided to stay in the car after everyone else was dropped off even though it was late. None of that mattered because of that one drive home. It was a clunky ending to what was a nice two months. We went out one more time and I was still bitter, and at the restaurant she even cheekily pulled out a pen, flipped over a paper menu, and wrote down the entire list of times we hung out. She was an absolute champ, and it was the greatest display of care mixed with disappointment towards my behavior I had ever witnessed. It was also a revelation that two months wasn’t enough. But I just couldn’t quite say this with such minimal time remaining. My plan for a clean break was deteriorating because I had found someone truly special, and I was less than 24 hours from seeing her leave.

Now if we rewind this back to that moment in the parking lot, here is where my life could have completely changed. What if I swallowed my pride and texted her again? Or turned the car around? What if I had indeed decided to re-enter the park and forget the time I had wasted waiting? We would have gone to a couple rides, we could have seen Fantasmic, we could have had dinner in the park, I would have realized that believe it or not that would have been the only time we actually hung out at the parks together, with or without the third or fourth wheel. We could have planned that Buffalo night better, I would not have spent the rest of the night groggy, and would have realized that she wanted to spend more time with me even after 2 a.m. when Buffalo Wild Wings closed and everyone had gone home. And none of the disgruntlement would have carried over to the final nights, when it was imperative:

She’s special, she’s worth fighting tooth and nail for. And I should have fought harder for her. And I’m an idiot.

Before Sunset is a film that focuses on how life can completely twist and turn over sometimes harmless decisions, therefore sometimes delaying and even canceling your strongest chances towards happiness. Turns out Jesse may have seen Celine between the nine years they did not see each other because Celine had actually moved to New York; and the movie never really answers as to whether or not she moved there partially to see if she could run into Jesse again. Because of their actions, Jesse wound up being in an ongoing marriage that never felt complete, while Celine engaged in a variety of relationships that didn’t work out with men that would actually get married in their next relationships shortly afterwards.

That night in 1995 created more questions than answers, and created a void that neither could really ever fill. There’s a chance Celine is the woman that best completes Jesse; there’s a chance Jesse is the man for Celine and her wild ways. Nine years later here they are, obviously much more separated physically and emotionally, but with constant hints about that night and what could have been if they had kept in touch or reunited six months later in December 1995. The climax of the film was Jesse having to say goodbye to Celine in front of her apartment complex, once again moments from walking away from her life. If they were meant to be, if this was destiny, why does this good-bye have to happen again?

The point of me mentioning Before Sunset is that this movie resonates with me stronger than nearly any other film ever made (Honorable Mention to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind). It’s about the past, it’s about soulmates, life, death, love, and the concept of finding the right one, finding the missing piece in life. It is a beautiful film that is masterfully acted and shot and it paces like a fairy tale while containing some of the most realistic dialogue in a modern screenplay. The movie has a lot to say, and to be honest depending on where you are in life it hits you differently with each viewing. Before Sunset in spite of its poetic and cinematic beauty was so emotionally brutal it actually may have contributed to the breakup between Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman, as Hawke was co-screenwriter and the pain he described was so convincing you swear the conversation was about the actress he was married to.

The point of me telling my story about this epic mistake is to reveal that sometimes in life, there are no second chances. Sometimes in life, you will be handed a gift, as all the circumstances of all the decisions you’ve made over the course of your existence can lead up to a major wonderful moment in time that can alter everything for the better. You have to keep your eyes, your soul, your heart open, because you never truly know. The day I broke up with her, the day I said goodbye, I was at a parking lot outside a restaurant for a good hour and a half, emotionally drained, before summoning the strength to go to the nearby apartment complex to make my deposit to live in a beautiful apartment for the next several years. Pride and stubbornness had ultimately won, but this was the sourest victory. So with one chapter ending, came the beginning of another. But why didn’t I link the narratives together?

I could have fought harder to keep in touch, I could have exclaimed that I didn’t want any of it to end, and she could have reciprocated the sentiment. She made the first moves, she made the effort, she was truly patient and caring and there was hardly ever a bad moment with her. We could have exchanged multiple e-mails and addresses and send each other letters physically and electronically. But this was all me, this was all my ignorance, my stubborn refusal to embrace what I’ve come to accept was a gift of circumstance, a gift from this universe, and a moment in time I should have appreciated and treasured more.

For years I kept her goodbye letter in my car, only moving it when I entered the next relationship. And for years even when there was other women available, the memories of her would trigger decisions made in the present. And people recover differently from break-ups, from relationships that finished, from flings, from unrequited love. I’ve met people who only had to date one or two before finding their special other half. I know a women that was in a questionable marriage for years before finally having the courage to leave—-and waiting for her was a man that had been waiting over a decade for his chance. And I have met others who have yet to even meet anyone for years on end after missed opportunities of the past.

As for me, as time goes on and as I look around, I can’t help but believe that maybe…

Before Sunrise/Before Sunset explores the concept of love found, love lost, and those rare second chances. In Before Sunset, they both were given this miraculous opportunity to see each other, to reconnect, in spite of the events in December 1995, in spite of their status. That’s what makes this love story unique and engaging, it’s a buildup of a previous film and nine years in narrative and in real life (the sequel released in 2004). This movie presented their reunion as a present of incredible destiny, as a second opportunity to potentially correct the narrative the universe, whether it be God, Allah, Buddha, whomever you choose to believe in, had originally written for them.

Over time me and her kept in touch every once in a while through Facebook, but I knew my opportunity had slipped and I was losing her. Turns out she moved back to the United States temporarily to do another program elsewhere. After finding out I reached out a little stronger, a small small part of me once again pondering how I let this wonderful woman get away, especially seeing how she came right back. But she was very busy.

After some time, there she was, in a new relationship. My window had already closed, and this pretty much locked it shut. She would ultimately get married a few years later, and remains living in the United States out in the Midwest. Once she got in that relationship, my messages were dwindled down to the clichéd happy birthday messages whenever that day arrived. And as a reminder, I don’t blame her for any of this, this is all me.

It’s not to say that I didn’t meet or date other wonderful women over the course of the decade, and it’s not to say it’s all been disastrous. The apartment I had signed up for featured a flawless roommate (until his brother and the drama-filled woman I was seeing got involved), a great location, and gave me my healthiest years in my 20s. My job in Disney was crazy but secure, I was established despite my rebellious ways, and had even won awards and accolades. And who knows what would have happened had I kept in touch. Maybe she would have come back, maybe I would have battled for a better position or a better job to continue supporting myself and supporting her and probably our crazy travels. And the fallout from this made me spend many years overthinking, over-analyzing, and being afraid of letting certain things go, even though I secretly knew everything had gone south and were losing and demoralizing causes. I was with someone over a year and a half after knowing this had no chance, and that set me back years.

Of course, the most dangerous thing you can do is think of the past and ponder the life paths that could have been taken. What if I had not broken up with her? What if I had swallowed my pride and admitted how I felt? There’s so many “what if’s” it would depress you to no end. And fact is, I’ll never truly know.
This is why when the first opportunity presents itself, don’t mess up, don’t let up, because you never know. When you meet that special someone, truly appreciate it, and truly ensure that even if it doesn’t out, you have given it your absolute all, because you never know. Here I am at the end of the tough decade that had a far superior start, no longer with Disney, no longer living by Sea World and the greatest WaWas in the state of Florida. I started my decade much stronger---also helps Obama was president. But it’s been a mix of bad decisions, bad decisions with great intentions, bad luck, and other circumstances. Yet also I can’t help but look back and see what life could have been. I squandered a relationship with somebody that truly cared about me, and these days might be my long-term consequences for steering into the wrong path.

*****Spoiler Alert********

Before Sunset is that spectacular reminder about opportunities in life, about connections between people and how no matter the distance no matter the time, love and happiness is worth battling for. Jesse at the end of the film had pretty much decided that he was going to miss the plane, he was going to abandon his entire life in the United States, and was fully prepared to take the opportunity he felt like he should have taken way back in 1995. His final look was a mix of love, happiness, fear, shock, and the first sense of relief and certainty he had experienced in many years. Celine had written a song about him, sang to him, signifying that she was ready for that new beginning, as she was never quite ready to say goodbye again. The movie ended with Celine dancing for Jesse, with the screen fading to black and the viewer contemplating what was going to happen next.

But with Jesse playing with his wedding ring, and her singing to him while imitating Nina Simone, their fate was pretty much sealed. Nine years had passed. And their best years appeared to be in front of them.

****End Spoiler*****

I’m not anticipating my Before Sunset with her, I’m not here secretly hoping for such a thing. As long as she is happy, then I wish her the best from hundreds of miles away with no contact. My Before Sunset-esque wild second chance came in the form of a job opportunity, as I had turned it down once, but it came up again after a series of failed job interviews, and a couple jobs that did not pan out. Same scenario, just a year later. If there was any proof that the universe speaks and the universe suggests, and strongly hints to those that can’t a clue, this would be it.

2020, barring more fiascos, will feature me in a new position in a new place, a new environment. And who knows, maybe my fortunes would then improve. But part of my looking into the past is to remind myself not to make the mistakes that led to great opportunities in the form of work, in the form of love, and even sometimes in the form of family, to vanish. I squandered something incredible many years ago, and I’m still paying for it. Maybe it requires a brand new decade to fully sort life out.

But I’m not letting a Celine get away again. If at the very least my lessons learned from the 2011 decisions and onward leads to such a chance, then it would be worth everything I’ve endured since I made that mistake of driving home on that one fateful night. That one mistake would significantly alter my mindset, decisions, and also ultimately cost me the best girlfriend I’ve ever had. Throughout this entire piece, you could make the arguement that improvement starts from within first. This is indeed true, but the focus here is also on finding and keeping that someone that isn’t just company, isn’t just fun, but also elevates you, and dares you to be better.

“Baby, you’re going to miss that plane”
“I know….”

Next time I will take that chance and miss that plane.